Be still and know

The quiet, still knowing. Writer Glennon Doyle talks about this voice that we all have, that you can only hear in your own stillness, how she has realized that all she has to do in this life is to listen to it. "Don't let the fear voice drown out the still, small voice."

It's hard to describe and explain to someone that has not felt it, has not sat still long enough to hear their own inner voice yet, to know what it is or what it has to say. It takes practice, and at the start, it takes discomfort. I know because I went through this change myself and still fight for it.

I used to stay busy, used to keep myself busy, not realizing the underlying motivation: escape from a subtle, yet nagging, itch just beneath the surface. I ignored my own self to such a degree that I wasn't even aware that I was doing it. I felt uneasy and I sought quick relief, almost always in others: in their problems, their desires, their lives. And I was good at it. When I realized that I had set the dial of my life to this setting, to avoiding myself--my needs, feelings, wants, and fears--and that it translated into living for others, never knowing or giving myself what I needed or wanted, which then turned into depression, well, I had to find another way, didn't I? Turns out if you continually deny yourself, you get depression. #knowledgefromtherapy #whoknew

But that's not what this post is about. This post is about the knowing.

The knowing led me to give up the apartment that was my home for the last six years. And I'm someone that loves home, needs home. But whenever I sat still and listened, the answer was always the same. Time to go. The still, small voice is very clear. Even amongst the noise and fear, it is quiet, calm, clear. It's the simple truth, and there's just no other answer.

As I sit on the other side of the country without a permanent address and take in my new environs, there is some discomfort. Of course there is. I remind myself that there was every other time too. The knowing doesn't guarantee constant comfort or all the answers or certainty. Sometimes it makes you wait for the next part of the knowing. Sometimes you have to toil in the in-between for a while or wrestle with doubts or with other parts of your being as you step forwards. It's uncomfortable and challenging, but, what is always true when you listen to your still, small voice is the deep-seated feeling of conviction, of knowing that you are going where you are meant to, even if you don't know exactly where that is or what will be asked of you. You believe in it and you are willing to suffer a little for it. There is a permeating peace amongst the discomfort. And funnily enough, things actually tend to work out. Your discomfort only leads you to a better knowing and towards the life you're meant to lead if you can hang in there long enough, trust long enough, work and wait long enough.

Be still and know. Wishing you peace in your discomfort. See you on the other side.

Love,

Zoe